Better Sleep, Better Sex

Sleeping poorly really impacts your sex life. In today's episode we're going to look at this head-on. This is a super practical episode meant to offer concrete help. 

I'll share effective ways to sleep better, and what is reasonable to expect from yourself and your partner when there are sleep challenges going on. If you or your partner struggle with sleep issues, don't miss this one. 

Here are the 12 things to do to sleep better: 

1. Only use the bed for sleep and sex, and reading non-stressful materials. No tv, eating, phone. 
2. Time your caffeine, alcohol and chocolate ruthlessly. No caffeine 8 hours before bed. No alcohol or chocolate 4 hours before bed, and then only 1 serving. 
3. Exercise earlier in the day and be done by 3 hours before bed. You do need some exercise to sleep well, so don’t skip it, but it doesn’t have to be intense. 
4. Dark, quiet, cool bedroom with no tv. Use either light blocking curtains or an eye mask and ear plugs if you need them. 
5. Use blue-blocking glasses for any screen time in the evening. 
6. Regardless of your glasses, you need to turn screens off an hour and a half before bed. Seriously. Unplug. 
7. Darken your house when it gets dark outside – switch to lamps and led candles, dimmers down – or use amber lenses with blue blocking filters. 
8. Consider very low dose melatonin – like 1 to 3 mg, 1.5 hours before bed.
9. Keep a receiving and wins journal. Write 3 things you received today, and 3 wins each day. This helps your mind go to sleep with abundance rather than anxiety. 
10. Create a bedtime ritual of things that feel good to you. 
11. Get up and go to bed at roughly the same time every day. 
12. If you do wake up or can’t sleep, don’t just let your brain spin out in anxiety. Give it something lovely to do: fantasize, go to a beautiful place in your mind, or get out of bed and journal if you need to. 

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Transcript

[00:00:20] Hey everyone, welcome to episode 29. Today we are talking about sleep and sex. So sleeping better truly means better sex for so many reasons. So we are going to dive into this topic and actually help you figure out how to sleep better if you are one of the people like me who has had some serious challenges with sleep and it has really impacted your libido.

[00:00:47] I have got you today. So I've had my own struggles with sleep and my interest and capacity for sex has been really impacted by that. And as a paramenopausal woman, I consider this something I am actively continuing to manage. But whether you're female or not, whether you're in paramenopause or not, you are going to learn some things today about how sleep impacts sex and how to sleep better.

[00:01:15] Sleep better and support your partner sleeping better if it's your partner who's having trouble with that. So, let's talk a little bit first about sleep and sex drive. We really need to normalize just the tanking of libido due to lack of sleep because really, it is a reality. Sleep impacts our sex drive, and our bodies sure know it, even if our minds try to talk us out of that reality.

[00:01:45] We often let ourselves off the hook if we're, you know, new parents, for example, and we have screaming babies in the middle of the night. But if we're kind of like older people, or we don't have babies in the house, and we're just having trouble sleeping, either due to stress, anxiety, life situations going on, something about where we're living.

[00:02:07] or changes in hormones like perimenopause or andropause, which is the decline in testosterone for men that starts in their 40s. The impacts of all those things on our just sort of overall sleep quality and sort of quality of life can really fly a little bit under the radar as it relates to impacts on our libido.

[00:02:30] So sometimes people aren't recognizing that one of the biggest things that is. affected by a lack of sleep is your interest in sexy times. And that is because your body is working exactly as it is supposed to. It is going to prioritize survival over sexy times. It is not going to let you get turned on if you are super exhausted.

[00:02:55] And it's also really hard on our relationships when we are. underslept because we tend to be harder on ourselves. Our emotions are more volatile. We have a harder time connecting and attuning both to ourselves and to others. So it's important that we don't shame ourselves. It is really understandable.

[00:03:18] You are, your body's working exactly as it should, and it is okay. And you do not owe anyone sex. over your own body's objections ever, ever in any situation. But certainly if you are not well slept, of course you're not going to want to have sex. So when we talk actually also about the sexual impacts of paramenopause and menopause, we often are thinking about hormones directly affecting our libidos, but it's not just an impact you.

[00:03:53] directly of the hormones on our libidos. And in fact, the impacts that last the longest and start the earliest for cis women in perimenopause are actually usually through disruptions to sleep because the sleep itself is actually impacting our hormones and our sex drive and actually our capacity for orgasm even.

[00:04:16] And the sleep issues can start impacting our sex lives up to a decade before the direct hormonal shifts. that impact libido happen more around, actually happen around menopause, like when we stop having our periods. That's when we stop producing the hormones that directly impact our sex drive, more or less.

[00:04:36] We still produce some of them but we stop producing the test, about half of our testosterone. So, it's really important to get a handle on our sleep situation if we are having trouble because it will impact our relationships, it will impact our ability for pleasure, and it just impacts our overall health, right?

[00:04:58] So, if this is you, and you know that you are having some sleep challenges, I want to help you with that. With at least with my experience and the research that I've done, I, you know, you can like certainly go to your doctor and get what support you can. In my experience, most regular general practitioners are not great with sleep support and even sleep specialists are not great with women.

[00:05:31] and don't tend to understand what we need. So this is so I actually went to a functional medicine doctor. I got a lot of support and I did a lot of trial and error, and I've talked to a lot of sleep coaches also. And we, you know, the advice is pretty consistent. There is really good news and there is really bad news.

[00:05:54] Kind of bummer news. The good news is that there's stuff that works that is not habit forming. So your doctor might tell you to pop Nambien. You could do that if you want. It is habit forming and the sleep quality is actually really poor according to most of the research. But the great news is that there are things that work.

[00:06:16] The bummer news is that you actually have to do all of them. You can't just pick and choose the ones that you like or that sound nice or that are convenient, unfortunately. And I'm going to tell you that because that you can't half ass this just because I'm not here to lie to y'all. That is not something I do.

[00:06:36] And if you do everything else on the list, but you still drink, you know, a Coke or a latte at 3pm, or you drink a bunch of wine with dinner, or you have a TV in your bedroom, yeah, you're still gonna fuck up your sleep. If you do everything else perfect, but you don't work on getting a handle on your like middle of the night anxiety, you're gonna fuck up your sleep.

[00:07:01] So, that's the bad news is that you can't really half ass this stuff. You can sort of trade some sleep for indulgence every now and then, knowing you're not going to sleep well, which is what I do if I, like, go out to a concert. I know that I'm not going to go to bed on time, I know I'm going to pay for it, I arrange my next day so that I don't have any commitments to anybody, and I just am like, this is going to suck, but it's worth it, right?

[00:07:28] But if you want to get, if you want to dive in, if this is important to you and you are like, give me all the things because I need to sleep better, I have been there, I feel you and I'm going to give you all the things right now and I'm going to put them in the show notes so that you have them. And if you are the partner of someone who's struggling to sleep, Also, like, please support them in this because it will be so good for you and your relationship, but it will also benefit you directly if your partner sleeps better, I promise.

[00:07:59] So here are the 12 things you need to do if you are struggling to sleep. One, only use the bed for sleep and sex, and reading non stressful materials. I know you've heard this a million times. We are not kidding. No TV, no eating, no phone, no iPad, only sleep and sex. Number two, you have to time your caffeine, alcohol, and chocolate ruthlessly.

[00:08:25] And look, I'm going to give you these as like commandments, but because they kind of are if you want to sleep, but they're not horrible. Like tackle one new habit at a time and you will get this down eventually. It's not, I do all of these things and it's not. It takes a little bit of adjustment is the only thing.

[00:08:47] So this is one of the things that takes adjustment. No caffeine, eight hours before bed. Caffeine stays in your system for a really long time, so you have to stop like eight hours before bed. No alcohol or chocolate, four hours before bed, and then only one serving. Yeah. Seriously. Seriously. I know this so well.

[00:09:10] This was a really hard one for me because I used to really like to drink lots of wine. I'm glad I actually don't anymore. I sleep so much better. And on the rare occasion, like twice a year, when I decide my sleep is warped, is like, I'm willing to sacrifice a little sleep for like a half a glass of wine because I'm traveling in Mallorca or whatever, and I am at some fancy restaurant and I just like want to.

[00:09:37] then I know that I'm not going to sleep as well. That's just the deal. But if you are going to drink alcohol, don't do it like four hours before bed and only have one. And same deal with chocolate. So number three is exercise earlier in the day and be done by three hours before bed. It's really good to exercise so that you sleep well, but don't put it up close to your bedtime.

[00:10:01] Number four, you really do need a dark, quiet, cool bedroom with no TV. So that means either light blocking curtains or an eye mask, like super dark, and earplugs if you need them, the soft, squishy ones so that they don't hurt your ears. Number five, use blue blocking glasses for any screen time in the evening.

[00:10:22] You can get prescription ones now even that are pretty cheap from Warby Parker, that's where I got mine, and they aren't even dorky. They're actually really nice frame. So number six, regardless of your glasses, you actually need to turn off screens an hour and a half before bed. This is one that makes people cringe, but it is just really important for your brain.

[00:10:44] You can read or you can use a paperwhite Kindle with no backlight, but no TV, phone, or iPad an hour and a half before bed. Seriously. Unplug, go take a shower, meditate, sing, talk to somebody, write a letter, get old school, have a hobby, Whatever it is, not on a screen. All right. So the next one, number seven, dark in your house when it gets dark outside or about an hour and a half before bed.

[00:11:18] So what we do is we switch to lamps and turn off all the overhead lights. You can have lights on in your house, but you just want them to be low level lights with like shades on them, not overhead or super bright. If you have dimmers, that's great. I have a dimmer in my bathroom now, but I used to have LED candles on a little remote in the bathroom so that I could brush my teeth, so I could see to brush my teeth, right, before bed without having to turn on the bright light.

[00:11:47] If this does not work for others in your family, you can do the same thing just for yourself by having the type of blue blocking glasses that have dark amber lenses. So you can find those below. Then you can just have your own self be in the dark. All right, number eight pills so Avoiding any sort of dependency creating sleeping pills is really important.

[00:12:14] Like if you're I don't personally recommend Ambien, but I certainly don't judge anybody who takes it. But in terms of what actually works, if you are going to take melatonin, and I do, I just take a very low dose. So you should take no more than like one to three milligrams. And do take it like an hour and a half before bed.

[00:12:33] If you get really desperate and you really haven't been sleeping and it works for you, you can also try a Benadryl periodically. And then I have definitely been assured by multiple physicians that that is not a problem, but just be careful and, you know, read all the directions and everything and know that I am not a doctor myself of medicine.

[00:12:51] I am doctor of philosophy. All right. Number nine, keep a receiving and wins journal. This journal is no joke. This is actually a really important part to help your mind go to sleep with more positive thoughts and abundance, rather than just anxiety from the day. So the most effective type of journaling that I've found, and I think quite a few other people have found, is a combo of, you know, it's really simple.

[00:13:24] Just three things you received today. From others or from the universe. They could be really tiny things like a smile, a safe trip from your house to your job, like food, right? Anything that you receive today, three things, and three wins that you had. They can also be super tiny. We want to keep our brains in an abundance mode and not in an anxiety mode before bed.

[00:13:54] Number 10, try to create some sort of pre bedtime ritual. This can include things that we've already talked about. Things like the journal, a warm shower, relaxing music, meditation, cup of tea, whatever feels good to you. Don't try to be a perfectionist like maniac about this and, you know, do everything Gwyneth Paltrow says she does before she goes to bed.

[00:14:16] Like please don't, please don't be that person. Just pick some things that feel good to you. It could be like a you know, lemon water or something and like, you know, like petting your cat or whatever it is that you want to do before bed. It could be masturbating, whatever feels good to you. Number 11. Try to get up and go to bed at roughly the same time every day.

[00:14:38] You've heard that from everybody. You're going to hear it from me. That's number 11. See if you can. It really makes a big difference. All right, last but not least, number 12. If you do wake up or you can't sleep. Don't just let your brain spin out in anxiety. Give it something lovely to do. So this is where I recommend having a nice wink session.

[00:15:04] Like have a masturbate or spend time in an imaginary happy place. I love this so much. This was a really big game changer for me. And you're imagining happy place. Just create the most beautiful, relaxing place in your imagination possible. Invite whatever or whoever you love there. Make it the perfect temperature.

[00:15:26] the most beautiful thing that you can imagine and just enjoy being in that imaginary space. So if you wake up and you, or you just can't sleep, either hang out in your happy place or have a wink or both. I don't really subscribe to the get out of bed right away thing. But I do think it's important and actually critical that if you can't calm the anxiety brain while in bed, then you should get out of bed.

[00:15:56] You don't want bed to become a place that you spin out in anxiety in. You want bed to be a place that only yummy, relaxing stuff happens. You need a positive association with laying in bed, and you have to intentionally create that. You don't get to just let your brain do whatever anxiety brain wants to do, right?

[00:16:17] So if you do get up, don't go watch TV or get on screens. Like, journal it out if you've got anxiety brain, like get it on paper and separate it from you. If you need to, if you are hungry, you can eat a piece of toast or something. Small dose of carbs can actually be helpful, but try to avoid loads of sugar.

[00:16:39] Okay, so that number 12 is If you do wake up or you can't sleep, actively manage not letting your brain spin out in anxiety. All right, those are the 12 things. I'm putting them all in the show notes. So another big issue is that if your partner is part of the reason why you are having a hard time sleeping.

[00:17:00] They snore, they flop around, they sleepwalk or sleep talk. Maybe they're an oppressive snuggler. Maybe they watch TV in bed. Maybe they, who knows, maybe they jump around, whatever. You may need to ask them to solve that stuff or you may need to sleep separately. And look, that is okay. There are a lot of couples that have great relationships and sex lives who sleep separately.

[00:17:27] You know, it might be because someone's on a CPAP machine or sleep walks or whatever. It may be temporary or not. My husband and I slept separately for a while because yeah, unmanaged snoring situation and there were some feelings we had to work through about that. And you may need help working through some resentments or rejection fears or whatever's coming up for the two of you about it.

[00:17:52] We're not doing that today, but feel free to book a consult if you want any help with repairing. That stuff, but your sleep is important and it's really important that both of you, everyone in your partnerships are on board supporting you in getting better sleep. So just remember, it's totally normal to have struggles wanting sex or having orgasms if you aren't sleeping well.

[00:18:15] It's also totally normal just to have trouble simply functioning at work or with family. So please give yourself a break. Take all the care you need to prioritize your sleep. Like, do all those 12 things because your life actually does kind of depend on it. You really need sleep in order to be healthy, in order to stave off disease, and your body just really needs that.

[00:18:40] So, if you are a partner of someone with sleep challenges, please do whatever you can to support them. It will absolutely benefit you. And I hope you all have wonderful sleep and lovely sexy times this week. And I will see you here next time.