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The Desire Gap: Real Solutions for Mismatched Libidos
Libido mismatch — when one partner wants more sex and the other doesn't — is one of the most painful and least understood problems in long-term relationships. And most of the advice out there makes desire gaps worse.
Dr. Laura Jurgens is a multi-certified intimacy coach, desire and arousal specialist, and former research professor who specializes in exactly this. Every episode delivers the practical, body-based tools that generic relationship advice and most couples therapy miss entirely — because desire discrepancies aren't fixed by talking more. They're fixed by working with your nervous system, your body, and the specific patterns keeping you both stuck.
And what no one tells you is that both people have the power to make real change, because both people contribute to the dynamic. No one is at fault — and that thinking is exactly what keeps couples stuck.
If you're the higher-desire partner feeling rejected, lonely, or like something is wrong with you for having needs — you're not powerless, but pressuring doesn't help. If you're the lower-desire partner feeling pressured, guilty, or shut down — you're not broken or wrong either, and obligation sex is making it worse. You're both missing the same thing: a real roadmap for this specific problem.
This show covers: low libido and what actually helps · the pursue-withdraw cycle · somatic and nervous system approaches to intimacy · how to talk about sex without fighting · midlife and perimenopause changes · why therapy often fails for desire discrepancy · sexual shame and body disconnection · how ADHD affects desire in relationships · how one partner changing shifts the whole relationship.
Whether you've tried couples therapy, scheduled sex, or every book on the subject and you're still stuck — this is the podcast that goes where those solutions don't.
New episodes weekly. Start wherever you are.
Ready to solve this? Visit laurajurgens.com/bridge.
Free resources at laurajurgens.com/libido.
Episodes
111 episodes
The Golden Rule of Sex (and why that Other One does NOT apply)
Treat others the way you want to be treated? Great rule. Terrible sex advice.In this episode I'm breaking down the principle that actually works — go at the pace of the slowest body in the room, with open curiosity — and why applying the...
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Episode 111
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33:12
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How to know when it's time to stop learning and start doing
Ever notice how sometimes the answer isn't more information — it's actually doing something with what you already know?Like when your car is broken, you don't actually need more information from the mechanic after a certain point....
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Episode 110
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44:03
The one thing you haven't tried for mismatched libido
You've read the books. Maybe you've done therapy. You've tried scheduled sex, date nights, "just doing it." And you're still stuck.Here's why: you've been trying to fix a layout problem with decorative solutions.In t...
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Episode 109
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25:48
How do I fix my desire gap when my partner won't go to therapy?
If you're ready to work on your desire gap but your partner won't go to therapy or coaching, this episode is for you.The answer to "can I actually fix this alone?" is yes — and today I break down exactly how individual work changes the e...
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Episode 108
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21:22
Is your 'low libido' actually your body setting boundaries?
Avoiding sex? Feeling the "ick" when your partner initiates? Going to bed at 8pm to dodge intimacy? You probably think you have low libido. But what if that's not what's actually happening?In this vulnerable episode, I share my own story...
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Episode 107
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29:09
Too tired for sex? How burnout kills desire, with Dr. Amy Grimm
When you're running on empty, sex feels like just another demand on your already depleted system. But burnout isn't just affecting your work life—it's killing your desire and disconnecting you from your partner.Dr. Amy Grimm, veterinaria...
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Episode 106
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45:24
The 1-minute body practice that unlocks what you actually want sexually
Before you can solve your desire gap, you need to know what you actually want. This super simple, somatic practice helps you stop overthinking sex, connect to your body's truth, and find the safety you need to access authentic desire. Whether y...
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Episode 105
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24:52
ADHD & Desire Gaps, Part 2: How to stay present during sex
Part 1 in this series covered how ADHD affects desire. Now let's get practical.Mid-sex, suddenly thinking about work emails and grocery lists? Your partner can tell you're not fully there . . . and it doesn't feel great to you either. Yo...
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Episode 104
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26:46
Why "love should be effortless" is ruining your relationship
You've been sold a lie: that if your relationship needs work, something is fundamentally wrong. That love should just happen naturally if you're compatible. That needing help means you're failing.This myth keeps people stuck in mediocre ...
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Episode 103
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16:25
Why do I want sex so much (or so little)? Understanding your desires
If you're dealing with a desire discrepancy, you probably think you know what you want: more sex, or less sex. But what I've learned is this: there's always more under the surface. And that information is gold for figuring out the way forward t...
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Episode 102
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45:01
AI and your sex life: when it helps & when it causes more harm
Thinking about asking ChatGPT about your desire gap at 2am? You're not alone—lots of people are turning to AI for relationship help. And I get it. It's free, private, and you don't have to admit to another human that you're struggling.Bu...
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Episode 101
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35:38
The 10 biggest mistakes people make with desire discrepancies
This is THE episode to share. After 100 episodes and years of working with couples on mismatched desire, I'm breaking down the 10 mistakes that keep you stuck—from obligation sex and taking rejection personally, to making every touch sexual and...
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Episode 100
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59:43
What to do when depression & antidepressants kill your libido: real talk & my story
Depression tanks your libido. Then you finally get help with antidepressants—and your sex drive tanks even more. If this is you, you're not broken. You're dealing with a real, common side effect that nobody wants to talk about.In this ep...
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Episode 99
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23:25
When holiday stress kills desire (your sex life doesn't need to be a Hallmark movie)
If you're not tearing each other's matching pajamas off for holiday romance, you're not broken - you're normal. The holidays come with dreamy visions of mistletoe magic, but the reality is stress, family drama, overbooked schedules, and exhaust...
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Episode 98
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38:56
What you're really working toward with mismatched libidos
Most people think the goal with mismatched libidos is making the lower-desire partner want more of the sex you've been having—or making the higher-desire partner want less. But that's not it. And it wouldn't work anyway.
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Episode 97
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40:34
You DO have options: what higher-desire partners can actually do
Feeling stuck, powerless, and like your needs don't matter? This episode is for you.A listener wrote: "I feel like you only talk about what the low-libido partner needs. What about me?" He's right—I needed to address this more directly.<...
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Episode 96
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41:47
Why obligation sex destroys desire (and what works better)
You think having sex when you don't really want to will keep your partner happy. But obligation sex actually destroys desire—and doesn't help either of you in the long run.Research shows that when you cross your own boundaries repeatedly...
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Episode 95
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28:49
Your brain is keeping you stuck in a desire gap (here's how to override it)
You know your desire discrepancy is a problem. You've known for months, maybe years. So why haven't you done anything about it? It's not laziness or lack of care—it's your brain doing exactly what evolution designed it to do. Here's how to over...
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Episode 94
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44:19
ADHD & Desire Gaps, Part 1: High libido, low libido, or sometimes both
If you have ADHD and your sex life feels challenging, you're not broken - your brain just works differently. Maybe you have super high libido and use sex or masturbation to feel at home in your body. Or maybe your libido is low because sex hasn...
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Episode 93
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33:11
Getting on the Same Team, Part 2: How to talk about sex without fighting
You know you need to talk about your desire gap, but every time you try, it devolves into a fight. Someone gets defensive or spirals into shame, and you're right back where you started – or worse.In this episode, you get the exact framew...
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Episode 92
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42:23
Getting on the Same Team, Part 1: Stop venting to friends and start solving the problem together
You're both in pain about your desire gap, but you're processing it separately – venting to friends, talking to therapists, building separate narratives about what's wrong. Meanwhile, the gap between you keeps widening. Sound familiar?Mo...
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Episode 91
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30:22
What your body learned about love before you could talk: Healing attachment wounds with Dr. Aline LaPierre
Why does your body shut down during intimacy even when your mind wants connection? Why does rejection trigger panic that feels way bigger than the situation? The answer might have nothing to do with your current relationship—and everything to d...
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Episode 90
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51:47
Desire Solutions: Signs that you're rushing penetration & what to do instead
Why does penetration feel painful, numb, or just... meh? And why does rushing to it kill desire over time?If you're experiencing pain or numbness during sex, struggling with low libido, or wondering why your partner seems less and less i...
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Episode 89
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28:20
Desire Killers & What To Do Instead: Pouting When You Don't Get Sex
Tired of the cycle where you don't get sex, so you sulk, which makes your partner want sex even less? You're not alone – and you're definitely not getting the results you want.In this episode, we break down why pouting, withdrawal, and p...
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Episode 88
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35:45
Sex Help for Smart People Evolves to The Desire Gap Podcast: Unpacking The #1 Issue I See
This episode is all about why I'm making a change in this podcast, including why that is going to be extra great for you as a listener. In fact, you're going to get even more of my focused expertise, aimed at the issue that affects 80% of peopl...
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Episode 87
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19:45