The 10 biggest mistakes people make with desire discrepancies

This is THE episode to share. After 100 episodes and years of working with couples on mismatched desire, I'm breaking down the 10 mistakes that keep you stuck—from obligation sex and taking rejection personally, to making every touch sexual and believing someone is broken. These patterns make total sense, but they backfire hard. If you or someone you know is dealing with a desire gap, start here. You'll learn what's keeping things stuck and exactly what to do instead.

The 10 mistakes:

1. Trying to 'fix' your partner instead of the dynamic
2. Having obligation sex to keep the peace
3. Taking rejection personally
4. Believing scheduling sexy time is not "natural"
5. Being defensive about sexual feedback
6. Making all physical affection have to lead to sex
7. Chasing your partner (pursuit-distance trap)
8. Not knowing your own body
9. Expecting only spontaneous desire to be "real"
10. Believing someone is broken or wrong

For each one, you'll learn why it backfires and exactly what to do instead.

Get my free guide: 5 Steps to Start Solving Desire Differences
(Without Blame or Shame), A Practical Starting Point for Individuals and Couples, at https://laurajurgens.com/libido

Find out more about me at https://laurajurgens.com/

Transcript

0:01  
Laura, welcome to the desire gap podcast. I'm your host, Dr Laura Jurgens, and whether you want more sex than your partner or less, you are not wrong, and your relationship isn't doomed. You just need better tools to solve the struggles of mismatched libidos. That's what we do here. So welcome and let's dive in. Hey everyone. Welcome to our 100th episode. Woot. The desire gap podcast has just turned 100 episodes old with this podcast. So thank you for being here. If you're new, welcome if you have been here the whole time. Oh my gosh. I'm so grateful for you. Welcome to you too. And if you are finding this well, after the 100th episode has actually aired for the first time, I'm also glad that you are here in the future, whatever that future may hold.

0:59  
But when I started this, you know, I had, I had 57 ideas for episodes, and I wasn't really sure if I would continue to have ideas, but I had an inkling that I would, because I'm kind of an idea person. But, you know, my working with my clients just gives me so many ideas and so many things that come up all the time. And I'm just really honored to be here. I'm really honored that you invite me into your life in whatever you are doing right now. Thank you for inviting me to be along with you. And I didn't know how this would go. I had a feeling I was going to like podcasting, but I didn't realize how much I was going to like it, or how useful it was going to be to my clients and to other people, and I've just gotten so much amazing feedback over these 100 episodes that it makes me really feel connected to you all, and even if I don't know you personally, which most of you I don't, I am really grateful and glad that you are here, and just excited to keep doing this with you. So here's to 100 more. But today we're going to do a special one, and this is, you know, after all these episodes and years of working with clients, particularly on mismatched desire, and I work on other issues with people too, and intimacy and relationships. And you'll see that, you know, the show evolved from originally being sex help for smart people, which was a really fun name, and I covered all kinds of intimacy topics that are actually all of them related to desire gaps as well, which is part of the reason why we rebranded to the desire gap podcast, because this is the work that I feel really called to do in the world and that I do on a daily basis. It's the bulk of what my clients come to me for, whether I'm working with one partner or both people, and in situations where there is a desire discrepancy. I've noticed some patterns over the years. There are certain mistakes I see over and over again and mistakes that keep couples stuck. So I wanted to do a special episode on those, because these are mistakes that make the gap worse instead of better, and that tend to create shame and resentment instead of connection.

3:24  
And the thing is that all of them actually make perfect sense, like doing them does not mean that you're dumb or wrong. It's really nobody's doing them because they're bad people or they're just bad at relationships. You're doing them because you're scared or because you learn them somewhere, or because you're trying desperately to make things better and you don't know what else to do. That's really common. So today I want to walk through these 10 biggest mistakes that I see people make when dealing with desire, discrepancies, and for each one, I'm going to tell you why it backfires and what to do instead. So I thought this might be really fun episode for people also just to have an entree to the show and to share. So if you've been listening for a while and you know someone else who is struggling with mismatched desire in their relationship, maybe a friend who keeps venting about their sex life, or maybe you know your sister, or that couple you know who like they always seem to have a little friction, right? This is a great episode to send them, and I want to invite you to think of it as sharing a gift to people, because that's what I think of when I'm doing this. I think of this as me getting to just sort of tell you what I have learned and share with you that gift from my learning process, and I hope that you will.

5:00  
So be inspired to share that gift with others, because there's so many people who are suffering in a lot of pain, kind of needlessly.

5:08  
So if even one thing helps you in this podcast, I always hope you will share it, and that is beautiful generosity. Thank you. And so here we go. We're going to dive in 10 biggest mistakes I see people make with desire discrepancies, all right. Number one, trying to fix your partner instead of the dynamic. So why is this so important when you are treating your partner like a broken appliance, instead of recognizing that this is a relationship pattern that you are both caught in, you will be creating shame and resistance and defensiveness, and that is the exact opposite of conditions needed for desire and connection to emerge, right when we are acting like, especially the partner with the low desire is somehow broken. It is not going to help them have more desire. And when we are acting like the person with higher desire is somehow wrong for having sexual needs, we are also not going to create emotional connection that lets us actually sort of solve our problem together. And so this shows up like, here's some quotes. Basically, if only you would want sex more, we'd be fine that that's problem. That's problem statement.

6:35  
You need to figure out what's wrong with your libido. That's another one. These are all little messages about your saying to your partner that they are broken, sending articles or podcasts your partner about how to boost libido without actually talking about it or admitting that it's a problem for both of you and the relationship, right? You're just sort of trying to send them the message that they need to fix themselves. That's not great. Making appointments for your partner to see doctors or therapists. You're trying to be helpful, but without them actually asking you to do that, this is sending the message that they're broken. The lower desire partner winds up feeling like a project to be fixed, and the higher desire partner stays frustrated because they're actually trying to change the wrong thing. They're trying to change a person and make them different. And that's not great. Not great. So what we need to do is

7:37  
create a fundamental paradigm shift. Instead, there is no person who is broken. There is just a dynamic that is not working. Is not working for either person, nobody is happy in this scenario. And when we change it to hey, we have a dynamic that is a problem here, it opens the possibility for collaborative problem solving instead of blame,

8:07  
right? So we want to approach things as our desire discrepancy, not your libido problem. And that is a really big shift. It is sounds like it's just words, but it's really fundamentally important. And if you ask a low desire partner what they think, they will definitely think that's a big shift when we instead, when we ask what's happening in our dynamic together, that's making desire harder and it's making connection harder for us, then we start to get curious about how both people might be contributing to the roles in the pattern, and you starts recognizing that you're both actually suffering, just in different ways. All right. So that was number one, trying to fix your partner instead of the dynamic mistake, not a good one. Number two,

9:00  
having obligation sex to sort of like keep the peace or appease your partner, and this is a really important one to acknowledge and stop doing as soon as possible. So this is really important, because your body registers every time that you cross your own boundaries, obligation, sex is teaching your nervous system that you are not important, that the placating the other person is more important, and you will start actually shutting down around that person. Because of that, it also teaches your nervous system that sex equals pressure, discomfort and disconnection, and so that will build resentment you can't do anything about it. Like the resentment, like you will get resentful if you are doing shit that you don't want to do for someone else. There is, that is the recipe for resentment. That's like, that's like, put to.

10:00  
In two together, and you get four that the four is the resentment.

10:04  
So there's no way to not be resentful when you're doing things that cross your own boundaries, that because you're telling yourself you're less important than this other person, not feeling disappointed. So it will build resentment. It can also create physical pain your body. If your body is not wanting or ready for sex, you can have pain, you can have numbness, and it makes future desire much less likely. And research actually shows that women who have duty sex report emotional detachment, decreased relationship satisfaction and much higher rates of low libido and sexual dysfunction. So this is well established, and I have a lot I talk a lot about obligation sex, and I have whole episodes on it, so I will just leave it at that, but this shows up like in your head. I'll just get it over with, or I could just tolerate this, or I don't want to hurt his feelings, or I don't want to hurt her feelings, I want them to stop asking. So I should any sort of shoulds in there. That's a clue. Having sex when you're not remotely turned on, hoping you'll get into it, but continuing even when you don't get into it, performing enthusiasm you don't feel waiting for it to be over,

11:27  
saying yes to avoid disappointing your partner, or dealing with their emotional Fallout, like their snarkiness or their moping around or whatever, physical pain, difficulty with arousal, because your body is saying No, even though your mouth said, Yes, right? That's how it shows up. Okay, so what is this doing? This is really importantly going to be shutting you down. So what is the solution? It's Stop, Stop, just stop having obligation sex. I don't care if that means you're not having sex at all, it's actually better. And I don't mean I don't care about you or your higher desire partner. I do care about them and it I don't mean that sex isn't important. I actually think sex is important for a lot of people. It's not important for everybody, but it is important for a lot of people. But obligation sex is not the kind of sex you want to be having, and it is not helping in the long run. It is actually going to harm you in the long run. So it's actually more important to stop having obligation sex and start doing other things that feel good to you, until you can figure find your way back to authentic desire. So we need to give you permission to stop harming yourself and the relationship, because there Make no mistake, you are also harming the relationship by having duty booty. So honor your no while staying engaged. You do not please. What is not helpful is to just start like making yourself Ultra busy or doing other things and like, avoid your partner because you don't actually want to tell them no, that is not helpful either. Say to them what is available. Like, hey, sex is not on the table tonight, but I do want to connect with you. How about we cuddle and talk? Or I'm not up for intercourse, but I'd love to make out with you. If that sounds good, right? Make sure whatever you offer genuinely feels good to you, and remember that your boundaries matter, teaching yourself that your partner is safe matters, and you can still show love and connection if you keep crossing your own boundaries on behalf of your partner, you will be teaching your nervous system that your partner is actually not safe, and that's not great most except in you know, somewhat personality disordered situations, most higher desire partners would actually rather you take care of yourself and honor your boundaries, then build resentment and have any sort of like libido situation get worse.

14:08  
Okay? That's number two, obligation, sex duty, booty. That's a big mistake. Number three,

14:15  
taking rejection personally,

14:19  
making someone saying no to sex, like a no to you as a person, or a no to connection with you. So it's really important that when your partner says no to sex and you spiral into like they don't love me, I'm undesirable, or like our relationship is doomed, it's really important that you catch yourself in that and notice how unhelpful it is and actually is probably not true. You need to tell yourself that your little story there is not reality, because what happens is you're making everything about you, everything just like it.

15:00  
Creates more pressure for them to say net yes next time, just to manage your feelings, which actually kills their authentic desire even more. And it also prevents you from actually understanding what's happening for your partner. So if they're just saying no to sex, and now all of a sudden, you're not available for any connection at all, no affection, because, like, otherwise they're somehow teasing you and like they're not allowed to just do what they want and then stop for some reason,

15:29  
or you're gonna go into sort of this, like shame spiral, or, like sulking kind of dynamic. You are creating more pressure, and you are basically saying you are all you're saying to your partner, I can only love you when you're putting out or when you're giving me access to your body. And that's not to say that this is easy to do, right? Especially if you have a habit of making rejection about you, it will feel very easy to keep doing it. And I'm not saying that this is any of these are actually easy mistakes to stop. They're not but they're really important mistakes to know are mistakes and know that you need to work on stopping them.

16:09  
So this tends to show up the rejection, the personal. Personalizing the rejection like making it a rejection even in the first place, instead of just that this person doesn't want to have sex right now, it shows up like immediately feeling crushed or angry or panicked when your partner says no or re like, having your mind spiral like they're never attracted to me. They're probably having an affair. I'm not enough. They don't love me. All that stuff. Like, this is, like, That's bullshit. Like, most of that is not like ever true, but if you spiral into it, you are going to now be completely disconnected from that person you're catastrophizing right instead of just looking at this like, Oh, we're just not on the same page right now, or they just don't want to have sex right now. And in fact, I've actually seen quite a few cases where the entire problem, the entire desire discrepancy, was due to this, was due to one partner catastrophizing when their partner occasionally said no, that they didn't feel like having sex. And these they went into this, like sulking, kind of emotional withdrawal, and it basically shut their partners down, libido down completely. Because one, it's not sexy. It's not sexy to have, like a sulky little kid energy, and it's also really kind of subtly manipulative, and it's emotional coercion, like you need to have sex with me or I'm gonna sulk and withdraw my love from you and my emotional connection because you just didn't feel like having sex something

17:49  
that's not great, that's not showing up great in a relationship. And that doesn't mean you're a horrible person. You're not a horrible person, but I have seen this just like, actually create the entire problem. So if you're withdrawing emotionally or becoming cold when someone says no, if your partner starts saying yes out of guilt rather than desire, I can promise you their libido is going to tank pretty soon.

18:15  
This also looks like you stop initiating completely because you're scared of rejection, and that can also Like now all of a sudden we have like, another problem, right? So what we really need to do with this is to dismantle the catastrophic thinking pattern. This is really common, actually, for people who have rejection sensitive dysphoria because they have ADHD. I know about this. I have ADHD. I also have RSD, but I manage it, and I've learned how to manage it, and that it's not actually the catastrophe that my brain is making things out to be. So it's really important to figure out how to manage your catastrophizing, to remind yourself that this doesn't mean anything bad about you, the person just doesn't feel like having sex. It doesn't mean you're not sexy. Doesn't mean you're not lovable. It doesn't mean your relationship is a failure, right? Separate reality from what your brain is telling you, and reduce the pressure on the lower desire partner. And really just start practicing this, like radical idea, right? That their no is just about them, not you. Their no just means they don't feel like doing this one particular thing right now. Their lack of desire for sex in the moment does not mean that you are unlovable. It just means their body isn't saying yes right now for their reasons. Their reasons might be stress or fatigue, or they need a different kind of foreplay or connection first. They could have all kinds of reasons, but asking with genuine curiosity, hey, what's going on for you right now? Or.

20:00  
Is there another way that we could connect that would feel good and within your boundaries? Listen without making it about whether you are desirable enough. Okay, that's a big one. That's number three.

20:14  
Number four, believing that scheduling sex means you failed. All right, here's a crazy thing, when you were dating, everybody's scheduling their dates, and people are usually scheduling to be like, available to spend the night. They're bringing their toothbrush, right? Like you're scheduling sex. Dating is all about scheduling sex. We just don't call it that. We call it dating. So if you have then moved into maybe you went on the relationship escalator with this person, and you moved in together.

20:48  
Now all of a sudden you think scheduling sex is somehow not sexy, or that you failed, but actually you've always needed to schedule sex because unless you are independently wealthy and you do not have to work, or you do not have kids, you do not have any sort of schedule in your life. Well, if you have no schedule in your life whatsoever, then you're probably 15, or you're, I don't know what your situation is, but if you are an adult who lives like a normal life, where you have to, you know, earn money and feed yourself and all that stuff, and maybe you have children you have to care for. Like, geez, you got to schedule everything. So why wouldn't you have to schedule sex? It doesn't mean you failed. It means you found something that works. But here's the important thing about scheduling sex is do not schedule anything specific as it regards to activities, do not in your head. Me tell yourself, this means we're going to do this particular thing, right? It means you're scheduling sexy time, sexy connection, maybe a little bit of making out, and maybe that's all your partner's up for, and that's okay.

22:00  
Do not schedule it so that it becomes obligation, sex or duty, booty, that is the problem. And you can get into that sort of catch 22 challenge, if you think of it that way, where it's like, it has to be some sort of insertion based sex, and then the person shows up in their body is like, not into that that day, and all of a sudden scheduling becomes a problem. So don't do that either. But also don't hold on to the idea that good sex only happens somehow spontaneously, right? That is movies and porn, which are all entertainment, not real sex education. That is not how real people work.

22:37  
It completely ignores that most people's desire is actually much more responsive, and we need, especially in busy adult life, we actually need some like warm up, and we need to start with a lot of like flirting and play and touching and whatever our particular flavors of foreplay are. Right? Do not wait for spontaneity. Spontaneity does not equal passion, right? Otherwise, I swear you will only wind up having sex on vacation. If that's what you want, then wait for spontaneity and only have sex on vacation, but like scheduled sex, can often actually be better, and the research actually shows this, because it allows time for anticipation and it removes the sort of surprise pressure.

23:27  
So if your brain is telling you, if we have to schedule it, it's not romantic or real desires should just happen naturally, or whatever, just be on to yourself and call bullshit on yourself, because that's not true. You've just learned that from books, movies and porn and whatever. It's not reality. So don't refuse to plan intimate time because it feels like not right. Actually, plan it. Look forward to it, enjoy it. Really like you'll have plenty of time then to anticipate, to think about what kind of foreplay you might want to offer your partner based on what they've told you they liked to, you know, surprise each other. To like. Think about what would really feel good to you that day. Think about what you're up for. You know what we want to schedule it not as another task on the to do list. We want to schedule it as a yummy self care, right? And that's the other reason you can't do it as obligation sex, because it won't feel like self care.

24:31  
Schedule it as time to relax and connect together physically and find things that feel pleasurable for both of you. Pleasure time will not feel like another to do, it will feel like a luxury, right? That's what we want. So make sure that you plan some good quality sexy time without an agenda. Nobody has to have an orgasm. It's totally okay, although that said, don't just stop when if you're in a hetero couple and.

25:00  
And the man finishes, that is not the cue to stop. You are not over like make sure that your vulva having partner is also having orgasms, okay. PSA, don't perpetuate the orgasm gap, or you will also have desired discrepancy problems.

25:19  
Okay. Number five, being defensive about sexual feedback. This is so big and it's really common and it's so unhelpful. It's like making feedback mean that you're doing it wrong, instead of that, it's new information about what your partner likes in this moment, if you get defensive about sexual feedback. I promise you are shutting down your partners like It's like shutting down your partner's libido. It's like taking, like, a big scoop out of their libido. You're like shoveling it away by being defensive about what someone wants. Because what's happening here is this is shutting down the exact communication needed to make sex good for both of you, when you can't hear feedback without getting hurt or defensive, when your partner will stop trying to guide you, and sex will stay very mediocre for them, or just like, not that great, and of course, then they're not going to want more. The best lovers in the world aren't like born that way. They don't come out of the womb like amazing lovers. They're not naturally talented. The best lovers in the world are the ones who can hear what their partner needs and who can be curious about it without taking it as if it's some sort of negative like, like, judgment on their prowess, right? Like, boy, is that a turn off. So this shows up when your partner says, you know, I would love it if you would slow down and you hear, I'm so bad at sex. Or, like, I'm not doing it right.

27:02  
Or you say things like, you know, well, if I'm so bad at this, maybe we should just stop. Or, you know, interpreting preferences like, I would like it a little bit to the left as so everything I'm doing is wrong, right? If you get defensive or hurt or shut down when they're trying to guide you, if you lose patience when they're asking for what they want, if you won't listen fully when they're trying to describe it and say, Oh, I'm not quite Could you demonstrate that like, or I'm not quite understanding. Can you explain a little bit more or like, do you like? Like? How about we try this, and you can tell me if you like more like this or more like that, like you can do a B comparisons, that's curiosity, that's openness, but if instead you're shutting it down, your partner will not feel comfortable giving you feedback. And this actually happens a lot, and a lot of people are like, Well, why won't my partner tell me what they want? Well, a lot of times they have tried and it didn't go well, or you were kind of impatient, or you didn't listen. That happens a lot, and then people will kind of shut down, and everybody forgets the details of it, but the person will just be like, I don't know. I just don't feel comfortable telling them, right? And so sex just winds up stuck at like, okay or tolerable for your partner, and then no one can talk about how to make it better. And if you're just trying to be like magic lover, where you just, like, magically Intuit what someone wants, you're performing based on guesses, instead of listening to the person who is actually in that body,

28:44  
then you have a problem,

28:46  
right? And so what I want to invite you to think about is really receiving feedback as a gift your partner is giving you the instruction manual to this beautiful being that you are wanting to make love with, to have sex with, that you want to do the like you want to be a good lover for right? If you weren't so worried about wanting to be a good lover, you probably wouldn't be defensive. So it's not that you're coming from a bad place, but you're coming from an insecure place. Instead of actually being able to pay attention to what their needs are you're making their feedback about you somehow doing it wrong, right? Imagine if you went to the hairdresser and you were like, This is the haircut I want. And then they're like, like, gave you the mirror and you kind of wanted it a little shorter. And if you said, Oh, I'd like it a little shorter, and they're like, Oh, my God, I do everything wrong. I can't do anything right. Like, why do I even bother being your hair stylist? Right? Just imagine that you would never fucking go back there

29:45  
again. Like, what the fuck is wrong with you? I

29:49  
just want my hair a little shorter. It's not a partial attack, right? If somebody wants their clit rubbed or they're, you know, dick sucked in just a slightly different way, it's not.

30:00  
Not a personal attack against you. It's just a preference, and if they want it different one day versus another day, that's okay. Bodies change. Bodies are feel different at different times of the day or month or whatever.

30:13  
So get curious, right? They're not saying everything about you is wrong. They're saying here's how my body works. And so what you want to do is ask, tell me more like, what else feels good? Get genuinely curious and ask them, is, am I getting it right now, or is there an adjustment that you want right? Don't spiral into shame. That's not about you. Your partner isn't saying that you're horrible. They're just saying this would feel better to me, right? And they're literally handing you the answer key. So be grateful. And sometimes it's really hard to do that if you've had a lot of sexual shame before, if you haven't used your voice before. And so encouragement is really important for them. Any little inkling that, like it's their feedback isn't welcome, it's going to really shut them down. So try to encourage your partner to give you feedback. And if you have done this in the past and you want to stop doing this, you're probably going to have to acknowledge that you've done this in the past. Your partner is not going to magically start giving you feedback. If you've been shutting it down in the past and taking it personally, you're going to have to say, hey, look, I know I've done this, and this has probably shut you down and made you feel unsafe giving me feedback, and I really want to change that. So could we try with some Can we try practicing right? Invite them even just to show you how they'd like to be touched on the arm and give you some feedback, and have you practice taking that in, right, and being grateful for it. That will help them start learning to feel more comfortable with you again, if this has been a problem in the past, all right. Number six, making every touch sexual and like eliminating non sexual affection.

32:03  
This is a really common one, especially if couples have been in a desire discrepancy for a while,

32:10  
when every hug, kiss, back, rub, cuddle becomes an attempt to initiate sex or an interpretation that now sex is on the table, and the partner must therefore follow through with getting you off your lower desire. Partner is going to stop wanting any touch, because they won't. They'll be afraid. They'll be afraid of sending signals that will then make you disappointed or angry with them, and they can't relax into affection because they're always wondering, like, Am I on the hook now? Am I on the hook for wanting something? Whether I want it or not? They don't even know if they want it yet, but they already feel resistant, because they don't they expect that you're going to expect it. So when you make every touch sexual or, like, not, not even just sexual, like, even it's okay if, like a sexy hug feels great, but making every touch like a prelude to an agenda, like, therefore, we must move into some sort of sex that's going to get me off.

33:15  
Then physical touch really becomes stressful. Instead of connecting you, connecting the two of you and you basically are training them to avoid you. So this shows up like every back rub ends with a hand sliding down their into onto their ass or into their pussy, right? Or like you can't cuddle on the couch without it becoming foreplay. Or like every kiss winds up being like an invitation, and you proposition them, the partner, you might wind up noticing that your partner kind of tenses up or braces if you touch them, that's a signal that there's been a lack of non sexual affection or no agenda affection. And if your partner says something like, I just want to hug without it turning into something, that's definitely a clue that they've been feeling on the hook for finishing you off, even with just a hook. And that's a bummer. That's a bummer place to be.

34:18  
So

34:19  
this is, you know, when you when you shift this mistake, when you stop doing this, you have a really great impact, especially on the often touch starved, lower desire partners. They can be really starved for just physical affection without strings attached, and it can, you can just really start rebuilding physical connection and the foundation of your emotional connection in your relationship, so much by just stopping having an agenda with every type of touch. And this often actually increases desire, then, because any sort of touch has been feeling like.

35:00  
Pressure, and when you take that pressure off, the desire has room to grow. So what you want to do, if you've been making this mistake, is start rebuilding non sexual touch really deliberately, or even sexual sensual touch that doesn't have to lead to some sort of particular outcome, like if you've been expecting penis and vagina sex,

35:24  
then make sure that you just actually take that off the table and say, let's spend some time touching affectionately and sensually for pleasure and without actually planning on doing anything more. So you want to start touching your partner with zero expectation of it leading anywhere, giving them, like nice, long hugs, holding their hand, like right cuddling, shoulder rubs, that kind of stuff, and just letting them know this isn't going to turn into anything. I don't expect anything. I want you just to see if you can relax, and I'm going to be here with you, and let's do what feels good to you, and then stop so making sure that your touch starts being safe again. And then desire will often return a lot more once that happens, because the pressure is off,

36:22  
all right? Number seven, chasing your partner.

36:27  
This is like when you pursue and then they like, retreat, right? So it's not a love problem. It's actually kind of like a physics problem. It's like creating pressure, and when you chase someone for sex, it you do just you create pressure in the system, and that's really the antithesis of desire. So you end up in a cycle where you like pursue more, and then they withdraw more, and you feel more rejected, and then you pursue harder, and then they feel more pressured, and it's this, like, really awful feedback loop that can happen. And so this doesn't, this isn't, I don't see this super commonly, but if you do it, it's a real like, it's a just, just blows up, a desire gap, really bad. So I wanted to mention it. It's like someone this often happens early on in a desire discrepancy situation. And I think it it kind of blows up so badly frequently that people stop doing it. But I want you to just not do it at all ever, because it's really unhelpful. So like, this is the higher desire partner, just initiating more frequently, hoping something will stick. Like, if I try 10 times a week, maybe I will get sex once or twice a week right? And or they try different strategies or timing and approaches, and they're just like, start trying to initiate sex in all kinds of different ways all the time, bringing it up constantly. We need to talk about our sex life like all the time, and your partner might start avoiding being alone with you, going to bed earlier or later than you, to try to avoid this. Or they're always tired and they always have a headache, right? They're trying to create distance. Or you start just feeling walls up, right? Or they actually start kind of putting you down or belittling you, even just to try to create some distance, and then you keep pursuing, and you wind up feeling like you're begging, and they wind up feeling like they're being hunted.

38:37  
And so this does, I have seen this in couples, and it's really like, really doesn't work, really doesn't work. So what to do instead?

38:50  
Step back and give some space. I know that it is not intuitive, and I know it's going to be hard, but really it may be paradoxically, creating breathing room again, we need to take the pressure out of the system. You're You're nobody wants like, okay, that's not true. Some people do want somebody who's chasing

39:13  
them. If this is you and your partner is running away, your partner is not that person. Yes, there are certain circumstances in which somebody actually wants to be chased, sometimes literally, which can be really hot, but if you are initiating constantly, and your partner is pulling away, then please stop initiating for a defined period, and you can discuss this with your partner, like, I am going to Stop inviting you for sex for three months, right? Define the period, and during that time, focusing on your own wholeness, instead of making your partner responsible for your emotional well. Being through sex is a really good idea. So like working on being someone.

40:00  
Your partner wants to move toward and taking care of yourself and really grounding yourself so you don't feel like you have to kind of constantly be trying to get from them and taking the time to really address what's driving your pursuit, which tends to be anxiety, insecurity and a need for validation and taking care of that separately from your partner, so you're not making your partner have to manage your anxiety by putting out because that's no fun for anyone. So if this is the dynamic, then really be onto yourself about it. Okay? And you need to really pull back on this one, because it does. It creates the exact opposite of what you're trying to do, all right? Number eight, not knowing or listening to your own body, that is a big mistake. And I've made it. I have absolutely made it. I made it for years and years and years, years, many years.

40:56  
I didn't know what felt good to me. I didn't know I was dissociated. I didn't know that it was even a thing that I was like. I didn't really understand that I well, I didn't even understand that I had trauma. I really thought that that was like something that veterans in wars experienced, but not really anybody else. But I also, you know, if you don't know what feels good to you, you can't communicate it to your partner, and you certainly can't create more of it, and you deserve to create more of it.

41:30  
Many of us spend decades not knowing what actually turns us on, because we've been trained to ignore our bodies, right? Sit still, be quiet, push through discomfort. If that sounds like you, then this might be one of the challenges for you, and it is such a rewarding journey coming back to yourself, knowing and listening to your own body, if I did nothing else, this, in itself, was one of the big, I think, like literally, the biggest gift I ever gave myself was becoming more embodied. Was actually learning to feel myself from the inside out, to feel my experience of the world, and to really value my own desires and my own pleasure.

42:16  
And it is profound. It is fucking really spiritual, and it is really worthy worthwhile endeavor, regardless of whether you're partnered or not. But if you are in a relationship, it's really important to even be able to communicate to your partner what you like, and to even get any of what you like to start actually knowing what you like, right? We're so trained to focus on someone else's pleasure and but without body awareness from the inside of you, desire just doesn't have anywhere to land. And so this looks like, you know you have sex, but aren't actually sure if you liked it, not like 100%

42:59  
you can't answer. What do you what do you want? And like, what do you desire? Because you genuinely don't know it looks like maybe ignoring your body's signals, like realizing an hour later that you need to pee or eat or rest. That means that you've probably been checked out. Touch might happen, but you're not really feeling it. You're like in your head, the partner might ask, like, Does this feel good? And you don't really 100% know, you're like,

43:28  
it's not that it's like mediocre touch and it could be better. But you like, aren't quite sure. You kind of think almost it should feel good, but you're not really sure it might look like going through motions, hoping to feel something or relying on your partner to quote, unquote, make you feel good, rather than knowing how to pleasure what feels good to you. And so the impact of actually solving this problem is so incredibly empowering and just life changing, I really cannot underline it enough that learning this is one of the fundamental things I teach people, and it's one of my things that I get so much joy from, because helping someone come back into themselves and reclaim like I'm actually crying a little bit talking about it, because it really it's such It's such a beautiful thing to witness someone coming back into themselves and starting to give themselves permission to care about their own experience and their own pleasure and to know themselves deeply. I just love it a lot.

44:36  
But like this, just also puts so much power back in your own hands, and allows you to finally truly feel loved. And because you can't feel loved when you aren't home right, when, when you're not when you don't know what you want, then you're not even really showing up as yourself in the world with your own innate desire.

45:00  
Years like, how are you going to feel truly loved and accepted by someone else if you're not even sure who you are? Right? So it is so impactful, and learning to slow down is the first step. So if you resonated with any of this number eight mistake, not knowing or listening to your own body. Where you start is you start by slowing way down, like 10% of your normal speed of doing anything with touch or sensuality, self, pleasure, pleasure with a partner, noticing what do I actually feel? What sensations Am I having? What thoughts Am I having? Am I allowing myself to imagine things that feel sexy and wonderful to me? Or am I like on the hamster wheel of like self judgment and shaming, or like focusing on all the To Do lists, and I can't really calm down, right? That means you need to really slow down.

46:05  
And it's about practicing listening to your body in non sexual contexts. Like, am I hungry? Am I tired? Do I need to pee? What does tension feel like in my shoulders? What does the emotion what emotions Am I having right now? And can I feel the sensations in my body? It's starting to build this skill of interoception, which is the word for sensing your own internal body states. And the more you do it in life in general, the easier it will be to apply in sexual settings also. So start by really slowing down. All right. Number nine mistake of expecting only spontaneous desire to be real desire, and this relates to that whole I mentioned it during the scheduling sex thing, so I won't go over the exact same stuff I just told you there. But desire, if you believe desire should always just strike out of nowhere, then you're missing how most people, especially in long term relationships, actually experience desire. Responsive desire means that arousal and desire emerge after some sort of connection begins. That could be just the type of eye gaze that you love from across the room. It could just be energy from someone. It could be words from someone. It could be touch, but expecting only spontaneous desire sets up a lot of feelings of wrongness or brokenness, or people feel like they're somehow not doing it right, or they're they people think they have low libido when they don't actually have, like, technically low libido. A lot of times these like needing to have you the the particular, your particular buttons pushed in just the right way to start having that responsive desire come online. That is really normal, very, very common, especially for women and especially for people in long term relationships, because in the beginning phase of relationships, your brain is on like these crazy new relationship drugs, like literal chemicals in something we call limerence phase, where you're kind of like in this like fantasy land with this new person, and you're literally high and it's much easier to access spontaneous desire from that place. It doesn't mean that long term relationships, your sex is your desire is broken. It's not it's just much more likely to be responsive and contextual. So this shows up

48:43  
as like, thinking things like, I never think about sex, so I must not want it. That's absolutely not true. That suggests to me that you might have a lot more responsive desire, and you're just not a person who has a lot of spontaneous desire that's totally normal, that actually makes you the majority. It also shows up with thoughts like, my partner doesn't crave me the way I crave them, and so like, this is a problem, right? The lower desire partner will often feel kind of defective, or something like, I should be turned on by now, right? Or waiting to be in the quote, unquote mood before you try anything, and then it doesn't have you never get in that mood. That doesn't mean you have no libido. It might just mean that you need certain conditions to be met, to have responsive desire.

49:32  
Or maybe you're dismissing that process as like less than or not real attraction or something, or believing that if you don't think about sex all the time or unprompted, you have low libido and really, just like not validating this whole other type of desire that is incredibly common and normal. So one of the things is just seeking out some more education about responsive desire in you know.

50:00  
Realizing that like 70% plus of people actually experience desire this way, we want to reduce the shame for more responsive desire leaning partners, and really understand that this doesn't mean there's less attraction. It's just about creating conditions where the responsive desire can emerge, and that'll be specific to your particular erotic makeup. And that's one of the things that I love helping people discover is like their particular erotic makeup. And it's more than just like, you know your arousal style, which I have a podcast on, or

50:39  
you know your erotic blueprint. If that's something that you're into, it's more than that. It's very unique. It's like a fingerprint to you really understanding how your puzzle piece of eroticism is created that will help you understand what should be on your menu and on your partner's menu, of things that help you respond to them, right? That Help You have feel like your pilot light for sexiness is lit and All right, so the last one on this list, number 10, believing that mismatched desire means that someone is broken. This is another big one, and I think it relates really closely to number one, which is trying to fix your partner instead of the dynamic. But I wanted to really call this one out, especially as its own clear mistake, because it's a very commonly held belief, and that's it's like the underlying belief for the number one is, the belief is that

51:42  
the lower desire partner is broken and needs fixing, or that the higher desire partner is sex obsessed and needs to calm down, right? And both of these, and you could be believing this about yourself or your partner or both. I've seen people believe it like all the shame for everybody all around right? And I just like, I want to reach out to everyone who has these beliefs and say, I understand where you come from because I've been there, but also that shame is not helping it's not it doesn't feel good, it's not helping you, and it's not helping your partner, and it's just not helping anyone.

52:26  
Shame shuts down vulnerability, it shuts down communication, it shuts down connection to our self and another person, and all of those things are essential for solving desire, discrepancies, mismatched desire is literally the most common, commonly reported sexual challenge in long term relationships. It is not evidence of dysfunction. It is actually evidence that you are a human being and that you live in a world that does not teach us about our own unique erotic puzzle pieces and how to fit them together beautifully with our partners. It's a lot of our world teaches us to feel shame about who we are, what we want, who our partner is, what they want, to just judge and judge and judge and yes, judging is human,

53:19  
but we don't have to do it quite so much.

53:23  
It really, truly feels a hell of a lot better when we don't have such a burden of shame. So believing that mismatched desire means someone is broken tends to show up as thoughts like, what's wrong with you that you don't want sex. Of course you should want sex because I want sex. So of course you should want sex, or why do you need it so much? That's not normal, right? We're we're basically judging someone by our internal landscape, and not recognizing that different is okay, or assuming, or what's wrong with me that I don't want sex, or why do I need it so much? Where we're turning that judgment on ourselves feeling defective or inadequate because your desires don't match. These are all symptoms that you're believing mismatched desire means that someone is broken. So what I want to invite you to do instead of this mistake, is to really understand that desire discrepancies are incredibly common, like most of the research suggests there's like 80% of long term relationships have them at some point, neither a partner is broken. Both experiences are valid. Wanting more sex is normal, and not wanting sex right now is also normal. And the work isn't about fixing anyone. It's about learning to honor your different needs, maximizing the quality of sex for the person who's in the lower desire position right now, and I promise, they might not stay there. They might become the higher desire partner, and in a few years, you don't know, I've seen that a lot. I've actually experienced.

55:00  
It myself creating safety and really building a sex life and an emotional life communication skills that work for both of you. So it means stop being asking that sort of like, who's broken, and starting to ask, like, what does our relationship actually need in order to feel comfortable and safe and nourishing and thriving, right? Okay, so those are the 10 biggest mistakes I see after years of doing this work and 100 episodes, and that's trying to fix your partner instead of the dynamic. Having obligation sex, taking rejection personally, believing scheduling sex means you failed, being defensive about sexual feedback, making every touch have to lead to sex, chasing your partner with lots and lots and lots of initiation, not knowing or listening to your own body, expecting Only spontaneous desire to be legitimate and believing that someone's broken, and what I want you to do. Don't panic if you recognize yourself in some of these or even all of them. Seriously, I have, like done most of them myself, and I am okay, and you're okay, and we're both wonderful people,

56:18  
but we might be doing some things that are not helpful for our goals. So what instead, I want you to do is take a minute and ask yourself, which are the top one or two that really hit home for me? Which ones am I most doing right now? And I want you to ask yourself about you be careful not to just start pointing the finger at your partner. But what am I doing right now to contribute? Don't try to fix all of them at once. Just pick one. Pick one that feels either most relevant, most urgent, or most like, you know, oh shit, that's exactly what I'm doing. Start with that one. And here's also my ask for this 100th episode. If this was helpful for you, if something clicked, if you felt seen, if you thought, oh my gosh, somebody finally gets it. Would you please do me a favor, and that is to write a five star review for me on whatever app you are using, because it really helps other people find the podcast and or share this episode with someone who needs it, basically help other people get the help that you just got. And so if this was helpful for you, that's what I'm asking. Is please share the love, share the help.

57:40  
And yeah, if you're on Apple podcasts or Spotify like that, five star review really helps other people find this show, because it just like feeds the algorithm monster. So it tells it that I have active listeners that are enjoying the show, and it then suggests it to other people. It takes 30 seconds. It makes it a huge difference, and I super appreciate it. And if you want to work with me directly, you know you're always welcome to book a free consultation call. You can go to my website, Laura jurgens.com,

58:08  
and you'll see the book a consult. You can find out more about me.

58:13  
You can get some free resources. But what I won't really want you to remember from Episode 100 is that your desire discrepancy is not evidence that anything is wrong with you. It just means that you have a challenge that's very common and that there are solutions, but they do require you to do, stop doing some things that backfire, and start doing things differently, so you don't keep digging your hole in deeper, right? So that's what I want to offer with this is you don't have to do this alone. You don't have to figure it out by yourself. I'm absolutely here for you, and thank you so much for being here with me for 100 episodes, and for trusting me with something so vulnerable and important to you, and for doing the work of showing up here to listen is also helping make your relationship better. So you are doing you are already starting to do exactly what you need to do, and congratulations on that. I'll see you here next week. Hey. So before you go, I have some more free help for you. If you are okay with sharing your email, I will send you my free guide, five steps to start solving desire differences without blame or shame. This is a practical starting point for individuals and couples. You can opt out of my emails at any time, but I think you'll want to stick around. I am not a spammer. Go get it at www.Laurajurgens.com/libido. Make sure to spell my last name right and the link is in the show notes.