Why "love should be effortless" is ruining your relationship

You've been sold a lie: that if your relationship needs work, something is fundamentally wrong. That love should just happen naturally if you're compatible. That needing help means you're failing.

This myth keeps people stuck in mediocre relationships, avoiding problems, and thinking they're failures when they struggle. And it's complete bullshit.

Here's the truth: We live in a culture that gives us terrible relationship advice, no real education about intimacy, and a bunch of harmful myths. Then we're expected to navigate one of the most complex, vulnerable aspects of human experience—intimate relationships—with zero guidance. Does that make sense?

Your relationship quality is the biggest predictor of your overall happiness and health—not your job, your bank account, or your body size. We invest thousands in gym memberships, career development, and lawn care. But when it comes to our most important relationship, we hesitate. Why?

This episode is about what "doing the work" actually means: time, money, effort, and attention. It's about why your intimate relationship deserves the same intentionality you give to other important areas of your life. And it's about giving yourself permission to get help before things become a crisis.

Your relationship deserves your best effort, not your leftovers. Let's talk about what real investment looks like—and why it matters.

Get my free guide: 5 Steps to Start Solving Desire Differences
(Without Blame or Shame), A Practical Starting Point for Individuals and Couples, at https://laurajurgens.com/libido

Find out more about me at https://laurajurgens.com/

Read The Desire Gap Blog at https://laurajurgens.com/the-desire-gap-blog/

Transcript

0:01  
Welcome to the desire gap podcast. I'm your host, Dr Laura Jurgens, and whether you want more sex than your partner or less, you are not wrong, and your relationship isn't doomed. You just need better tools to solve the struggles of mismatched libidos. That's what we do here. So welcome, and let's dive in. I am really glad you're here today, because I think we're going to talk about something really important. Well, I know we're going to talk about something important. We are going to talk about what it means to do the

0:34  
quote, unquote work in relationships, like, What the fuck does that

0:38  
even mean? And I think this is actually going to make some of you uncomfortable, but I think it's really important. And the reason I think it's going to make some of you uncomfortable is because we need to talk about why your most intimate relationships are worth investing in, real investment. And I'm talking about the work. The work is time, money, effort and attention, the whole deal, that is the work. And we're going to talk today about why invest all of that time, effort, money, attention, and I know that some of you are thinking, Laura, shouldn't love be free. Shouldn't relationships just work naturally if they're meant to be? And you know what? I totally get it. I get where you're coming from with that. We have been fed this narrative that if you need help with your relationship, something is fundamentally wrong. It's not true, but we have definitely been fed the idea that good relationships should, quote, unquote, be effortless, that needing to work on intimacy means you're somehow not compatible. And that is absolutely bullshit, and it keeps people stuck in mediocre relationships when they could be experiencing something truly fulfilling. It also keeps people stuck in avoidance of their relationship problems which is not helping anyone. It makes people think that there are failures which feels fucking horrible. And I hate that, that this idea that it's supposed to be effortless or that we shouldn't need help is like God is so damaging. So I want to start with some reality. We live in a culture that gives us absolutely terrible relationship advice, terrible information about intimacy and sex and authentic connection, the media we consume, the movies, the TV shows, the porn, they are teaching us that passion happens magically and very quickly, Like in a split second, that communication should be intuitive, that you know relationship problems may happen, but they're always solved with like a grand gesture, that somehow somebody knows exactly what to do, and that great sex requires no learning or practice. And meanwhile, we're also living in a culture that's deeply uncomfortable with sexuality that shames sexuality that shames any sort of, well, especially women's desire, but also shames men for not being this sort of, like stoic performers, right? Like they're allowed to have desire, but they have to do it in this particular, like, weird way, and tells us that talking about what we want is somehow inappropriate and doesn't help us actually even learn what we might want or how to talk about it. Okay, so all that is the backdrop that you are

3:57  
living in, and

3:58  
you have grown up in, and we are somehow supposed to navigate one of the most complex, vulnerable aspects of human experience, intimate relationships with no guidance, no education and a bunch of harmful myths. Does that make any sense? We wouldn't expect someone to become a great musician without lessons or a skilled surgeon without training, but somehow we think we should just know how to create deep intimacy and satisfying sexual connection while we have zero guidance, while we are literally the most complex, socially sexual animal on the planet, and while we are living with all of these harmful myths. Okay, the expectation, then is crazy. So here's what happens. People struggle, right? Couples hit walls, desire fades, communication breaks down, and instead of getting help, people often think there's something wrong with them or their relationships, like it's. Is broken, can't be fixed, or I'm broken, I can't be fixed, or my partner is broken, they can't be fixed, and they often think that they should be able to figure it all out on their own, or it's not, quote, unquote, like meant to be. But I want to tell you something really true from actual experience working with tons of people, is that the people I work with are not broken, whether they're individuals or couples, they are not broken. They are normal. They are smart, capable people who excel in all kinds of ways in their lives, and they just need support in this particular area. And I think it makes perfect sense, we know. And I mean, I just have so much respect for people who are willing to invest in their relationships, because it is so smart. We know from research that healthy relationships literally change your brain and your body in measurable ways. There's MRI scan evidence that people in loving relationships have different patterns of brain activity, and being in a fulfilling relationship is actually linked to lower rates of depression and anxiety, better immune function, improved cardiovascular health and even increased longevity. And that doesn't mean you can't be single. This can also be the case for really loving close friendships. It doesn't even have to be a sexual relationship. I'm talking about your most intimate emotional connections, and the ones where you get physical affection and your relationship quality is one of the biggest predictors of your overall happiness and health, and in fact, it is the biggest predictor in most studies, not your job success, not your bank account, not what kind of car you drive, not what kind of handbag you carry, not your body size, your relationships. And so if that's true, doesn't it make sense to invest in that area of our lives? I'm so glad I did. I cannot tell you. I mean, not only did I make it my career because it was so life changing for me, but it really fundamentally changed who I get to be in this world and what experiences I get to have of my life. And so I just want to invite you to think about it in sort of new ways. Most of us spend 1000s of dollars a year. We really add it up on our physical health through gym memberships, like buying fancy health food, medical care. We invest in our careers through education, networking skill development. We spend money on our homes, our cars, our hobbies, but when it comes to our most important relationship, the one that affects our daily happiness and well being more than anything else, our intimate relationships, our romantic partnerships, we hesitate to invest. And I think I wonder why that is right, and I asked myself this question, and I'm thinking, You know what I realized when I reflected is I think it's partly because we've been taught that needing help means we're failing, that love should somehow conquer all without any effort or skill. That is the line that we get fed in the media and in movies and books, but I also think it's because we don't really understand what's at stake when your intimate relationship is struggling. It doesn't just affect your Saturday night, right? You know, if this is you and you've had struggles, it affects your sleep, your stress levels, your confidence, your ability to show up in other areas of your life. It affects your kids, if you have them, they are learning about relationships by watching you. It affects your friendships, your work, your health, everything. It affects everything in your life. And on the flip side, when your intimate relationships are thriving, it enhances everything else. You feel more confident, more resilient, more capable of handling whatever life throws at you. You get a secure base to come home to this person that really sees and supports you, that you know in your soul that you can work things out with if you have troubles, and that's not just nice to have, it's actually life changing, and it's health changing. So let's talk about what investment actually looks like. It might mean coaching when you hit rough patches, instead of just hoping things will get better on their own, it might mean taking a workshop together on communication. Might mean actually having a conversation about intimacy. It might mean scheduling and following through on having regular date nights and weekly conversations about your relationship. An open hearted space, and actually protecting that time instead of letting everything else take a priority. It might mean putting some effort in into finding your own desire so that you're not just making it your partner's job to turn you on all the time. It might mean having awkward conversations about sex instead of avoiding them. It might mean reading books together about relationships. Might mean making space in your budget for things that support your connection, whether that's child care, so you can have some alone time or a weekend retreat, or whatever works for your situation. And I had a, you know, I had a client who said, recently, this was amazing. This actually gave me the inspiration for this podcast, we spend more money on our lawn care than we do on our relationship. And when she said it out loud, she realized how backwards that was. They've been willing for years to pay someone to keep their grass healthy, but they thought their marriage should just maintain itself. And she was really happy that they started investing in their relationship. And so I want to be clear, I'm not saying throw money at your relationship problems, or that expensive equals better, right? You can create incredible intimacy with really thoughtful investments. Some of the most powerful relationship work actually comes through daily practices, honest conversations and consistent attention to each other, but sometimes you need help also figuring out how to do some of those things in a way that works. And so people will come and invest in coaching, but that's not right for everybody, and that's okay. There's other ways to invest. So I'm not saying throw money at things, but I am saying that your relationship deserves the same level of intentionality and investment that you give to other important areas of your life. If you want a great relationship to take into your future with you, you've got to invest in it just like if you want a retirement account later in life, you've got to invest in it. It deserves your best effort, not our leftovers, right? And this is something I see so much, that the couples who are willing to invest in their relationship, especially if they do it early, they get help before things are actually really problematic. That means they usually need less help, right? Take your car in for an oil change and pay for that, and you probably won't need to get the head gasket replaced. So it's like getting preventative health care instead of waiting for a crisis. Figure out, like, how to juice up your sex life now, when it's not a huge problem, figure out how to do relationship repair before it becomes like you have this huge closet full of resentments that just like you're terrified to open. Because intimate, like really good intimacy, it's a skill, and communication is a skill, creating, maintain, creating and maintaining desire in a long term relationship. That's a skill, and all of them can be learned and improved with the right guidance and practice, just like any skills. So just like you wouldn't expect someone to master a sport without coaching or become fluent in a language without study and practice, there is no way you should intuitively know how to navigate complex emotional and sexual dynamics with another human being without help. And the reality is most of us learned about relationships from watching our parents, learned from watching their parents

13:32  
and so on. And a lot of what got passed down isn't particularly healthy or effective.

13:39  
That on top of all those mixed messages and shitty messages from culture and media and then, you know, we're often trying to figure stuff out in times of stress or conflict, it's just no wonder that people struggle. So it's really understandable to need help and whatever the right support is for you, most relationship challenges are absolutely workable, especially if you get an outside perspective and get some help. A lot of couples who think they're doomed just discover that they need some new tools or perspectives. And some couples, you know, they actually the best thing for them is to split, and they just need help finding clarity and navigating that. I want to be honest about that too. So here's what I want you to consider, what would change in your life if your most intimate relationship was thriving, if you felt deeply seen and supported, if you had amazing communication and incredibly satisfying intimacy, if you felt like a team tackling life together, and then I want to invite you to ask yourself, what would that be worth to you? What would you be willing to invest in terms of time and effort and money in creating that? Because it's absolutely possible. It's possible for you, it just probably will require some intentional effort and some actual investment. But our relationships are the thing I wanted to come. Here today to say really is just that our relationships are not the place to cut corners. They're not the place to like, you know, skimp they're too important for your well being and your happiness. So they deserve our best effort or attention or investment. And so if you are one of the people who've been on the fence about getting help for your relationship or having difficult conversations or making time for connection a real priority. Just want to encourage you to take the step. Take that next step, whatever that step is for you, your future self will thank you. So that's what I wanted to share with you today, and until next week, I invite you to really think about how much you'd be willing to invest to have the most amazing, supportive, deeply fulfilling, open and honest connection possible for you in this life. That is absolutely what I want for you. Thanks for listening, and I'll see you here next week. Hey. So before you go, I have some more free help for you. If you are okay with sharing your email, I will send you my free guide, five steps to start solving desire differences without blame or shame. This is a practical starting point for individuals and couples. You can opt out of my emails at any time, but I think you'll want to stick around. I am not a spammer. Go get it at www.Laurajurgens.com/libido, make sure to spell my last name right and the link is in the show notes.