ADHD & Desire Gaps, Part 2: How to stay present during sex

Part 1 in this series covered how ADHD affects desire. Now let's get practical.

Mid-sex, suddenly thinking about work emails and grocery lists? Your partner can tell you're not fully there . . . and it doesn't feel great to you either. You're not a bad lover, your ADHD brain is just incredibly loud.

This episode covers the most common in-the-moment challenges and what to do about them:

• Sensory needs: why some touches work and others don't, and how to communicate what your body needs
• Task-list brain: staying present instead of mentally composing tomorrow's to-do list
• Novelty, time blindness, and working memory: we'll discuss practical tools

These aren't flaws to fix—they're features to work with. Your ADHD brain can experience incredible pleasure and connection when you understand what it needs.

Start with one small tool. Small shifts make huge differences.

Part 3 coming soon: medication effects, sleep issues, and how ADHD behaviors outside the bedroom kill desire inside it.

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with Dr. Aline LaPierre & Dr. Laura Jurgens starts February 1, 2026

https://neuroaffectivetouch.com/thriving-together

Get my free guide: 5 Steps to Start Solving Desire Differences
(Without Blame or Shame), A Practical Starting Point for Individuals and Couples, at https://laurajurgens.com/libido

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Transcript

0:01  
Welcome to the desire gap podcast. I'm your host, Dr Laura Jurgens, and whether you want more sex than your partner or less, you are not wrong, and your relationship isn't doomed. You just need better tools to solve the struggles of mismatched libidos. That's what we do here. So welcome and let's dive in. Hi everyone. Welcome back today. We are talking about ADHD and desire gaps some more. So this is part two, how to stay present during sex, and we covered in the first episode in this series why ADHD can cause both high libido and low libido. We talked about rejection, sensitive dysphoria, RSD and emotional dysregulation. Today, we are getting back into the ADHD topic because it affects so many people and so many couples. We're going to get practical with the most common in the moment challenges, including your sensory landscape. Why sex can be amazing or like unbearable because of that, the task list brain, why you might check out mid experience, and we're going to do three quick hits on novelty needs, time blindness and working memory issues. So this is about understanding what's happening during sex and building some solutions for yourself. So be this is a topic that is just really near and dear to my heart, because one, I am a late, diagnosed ADHD person, and I have learned so much more about my own intimacy needs, my own sexuality, through understanding how it is intersecting with ADHD. And it's really an undercovered topic in the world. And I have so many clients who have ADHD, not all my clients, but I would say, you know, like, about a third to half of them, and it really is impactful on your sex life. So we're going to start with the sensory issues, mapping your particular body's needs landscape. So not everybody, of course, everybody in the world is different, and when you have ADHD, that doesn't make you the same as everybody else with ADHD, it's actually like, as you know, if you have it, you're very different from all of your other friends who have it, or people that you know. It can be really unique to the person, and it often, but not always, comes with sensory processing differences. So they are really different among people with different types of ADHD. So some people are sensory seeking, where they need lots of input, and some of us are sensory avoiding, where we get easily overwhelmed. And most, many of us, I don't know about most, but many of us are both depending on the particular sense we're talking about, and the day, the time of day, whatever has been happening in our lives. So in a sexual context, some touch, some types of texture, some types of sound, can be intensely pleasurable, whereas others might be unbearable, like they instantly pull you out of arousal, and they pull you out to a level that sometimes more neurotypical people can't quite understand or get their head around, that they just are so bad that they just shut you down completely. And it's really important to understand that this isn't just preference. So everyone has certain preferences. People with ADHD have preferences too, but a lot of times, these sensory inputs are actually an intense nervous system response when you have ADHD. So for example, if you are a sensory seeking person, or you're in a sensory seeking mode, you may need a particular firm pressure, someone else may need really light touch. But say you need firm pressure, and light touch feels like absolutely nothing, or is like irritating to you, and it actually is bothering your nervous system, your partner might think that gentle caresses are really romantic, and they're like, making you climb the wall, and the ADHD partner is getting frustrated, and like starts checking out, and like disembodying. So that is so there's both a superpower there and there's a. Challenge, right? Because when your sensory needs are met, the experience of physical intimacy can just be super wonderful and incredibly immersive and really get you into your body. And a lot of ADHD people absolutely love sex. But the challenge is if it's not quite right, or it's not quite right for that day, or if you can't articulate your needs in a way that your partner can understand your intimacy, time can become really hit and miss, or it can be really miss on a general or on the regular, and really kind of shut down your libido. So an important thing to start doing if you have ADHD is and you know, to be honest, this is really great if you don't have ADHD map your sensory landscape. Everyone has preferences. It's just that people with ADHD have heightened the actual nervous system response to sensory inputs, that is tip a little bit higher and more activated than a lot of neurotypical people. So it's really important that you map your sensory landscape. So this means starting to notice what actually feels good and what doesn't. That doesn't mean judge it. It just means notice it. So please don't judge yourself for having these things. They may seem quote unquote weird to you, but you know, they're really common. They're really normal. So for example, think about the different categories. Touch. Do you like firmer touch? Do you like light touch? What kind of light touch Do you like? What kind of firm touch Do you like? Do you like specific temperatures? Do you like things to be warm or cool? Do you like certain things to be warmer and certain things to be cooler? How do you like the temperature in the room? How do you feel about sound? Are you into silence? Are you into white noise? Are you into music? What kind of music?

7:06  
What level? Like, decibel level? What about

7:10  
visual inputs? So you probably, if you're like me at all, you really can't tolerate bright lights like fluorescent lights, and if you're not like me. You might love them. Do you have particular lighting needs? Do you have you like to have lamps? Do you like to have candles, fairy lights, whatever is going on that makes you feel good? What about smells, textures? And think about whether there's yeses and there's no's right? Are there certain types of smells you like, but other types of smells that absolutely you can't tolerate? Same with textures? Are there textures that you like and textures that you can't tolerate? Really think about that, and it's okay to ask for some of those things with your partner and your partner might be part of this, right? Are there certain body products that they put on that you really don't do well with you, right? Like, if somebody were to put on cologne and then try to come near me, it would, I would run the other direction really fast. And also I have a really big thing about, like, facial hair. It's that texture does not work at all for me, especially on my lady parts. So I just, like, don't do facial hair, and it's okay with me, if somebody has it, I just don't want to have sex with them with it, right? So just mapping your sensory landscape, it's okay for you to have needs here, and it's okay for you to have them be very specific. And then another thing you can start doing is experimenting during solo sex. So when you are with yourself, this is your laboratory. Try different pressures and speeds and touch. Let yourself figure out your body's preferences without any pressure to give a response or even attune to another person. It's going to be much easier for you to figure that stuff out if you are just with yourself. Another thing you can do to practice getting your needs met is being really specific when you communicate. So instead of saying something like, like I used to do, which was not helpful for anybody, I don't like or not like that,

9:32  
just be like, really, like, what is somebody supposed to do with that, my poor partner.

9:37  
So we don't want to say I don't like that. Instead, we want to say something like, I need firmer pressure. Or, could you go one millimeter to the left? Or that's too light for me. Your partner wants to know what works for you, unless they're not a person that you should be with. Right? Right? If your partner is a person that you want to be with, then hopefully that means that they actually care about your pleasure, but they can't read your mind. So know that if it's going to take a lot of explanation and demonstration, which it very well may, because they are a different person, and they may not understand exactly how to do it right for you the first time, or with like one minor stage direction, right? If it's going to take a lot of explanation and demonstration, have a conversation outside the bedroom, and I have a whole episode on how and when to schedule talking about sex and how to talk about it outside the bedroom. It's actually always better to talk more outside the bedroom first, so that you can try to stay as connected as possible in the moment. You don't want to have to have a whole long explanation and have to go back and forth with practicing and all that kind of stuff to demonstrate and everything like that. When you're actually in a when you're trying to escalate sexual arousal, right? That's not going to be helpful. So be as specific as possible. And I recommend doing it outside the bedroom, so that you can have your partner practice and really get it down, and they can feel confident, and then you can feel confident that they know how to do it. So then all you have to do during sex is give them like a little reminder, hey, remember what we practiced, right? All right. So another thing that you can do is give yourself permission to have the sensory needs that you have. You are not being picky or difficult. They are just how your nervous system works. Partners who love you want you to experience pleasure. So is helpful for you to stop giving yourself a hard time about it. And last on this is just recognize that your needs may change. What works. One day may not work, another day that's really normal with ADHD. So play with that. Build in flexibility. Just get curious about how and when your needs might change, rather than be judgmental about it. So for example, if you're in a body of somebody who menstruates, your needs might change on your menstrual cycle. That's really normal for your touch needs to vary, your preferences to vary, and your sensory sensitivities to vary really strongly with your cycle. Other people, it could be related to stress, and it can be related to stress for anybody, to be honest, or who knows, the phase of the moon, we don't totally understand why these things change, but just know that they do and it's normal, so it's okay, all right. So that's sort of mapping your sensory landscape and your and accepting your sensory needs. The next thing on our list for today is thinking about the task list brain. So this can pose a challenge for staying present during sexy times. The ADHD brain tends to be kind of loud. It's like jumping to the next task or random thoughts. And this can be a challenge when you're trying to focus on physical pleasure and connecting with your partner, and maybe this is the first time of the day that you've actually had a moment to slow down, but your brain hasn't caught on to the fact that you want to slow down. It's like giving you work emails and grocery lists and tomorrow's schedule, and did I lock the door and like song lyrics from the 80s sitcoms? So what happens is this actually looks like disinterest to your partner a lot of times, and it looks like for you, you might start to panic that you're like, not able to stay present. So and this can also be like the split brain, where, like half your brain is trying to do sex, so the other half is like composing an email to your boss. So what? Here's some things you can start doing. So number one, anchor yourself in sensation. When you start noticing that your brain is racing or you're checking out, come back to one specific sensation, the feeling of skin on skin, the feeling of the air around your body, your breath, a particular touch you can even ask for a particular Touch that you know helps anchor you in sensation. Try not to judge yourself for checking out for a moment, just see if you can come back with the sensation. And you may do this 100 or 1000 times during one sexy session, and that is normal. That's okay. Okay, and I want to invite you, if it helps you, to consider allowing yourself to close your eyes when you really need to focus on sensation, even if you have a partner who's really into like big eye gazes, just let them know that this is you anchoring on the sensations in your body and how good it feels, not you checking out. And when you let your partner know that they they get less anxious about it, and they can interpret it well, right? So anchoring in sensation is one thing you can do. A second thing I really want to encourage is try out using fantasy as a focus tool. The deal is, your ADHD brain needs something to engage with. It's either gonna be your like grocery list or the like to do's that you have at work that you've been thinking about all day, right? Because it's already got the inertia for that, or it could be something sexy, and that will keep your head in the game. So fantasy will give your brain a job that and gives it like a sexual story to follow. It can actually keep you present. This is actually what it does for me, and I love it, and I used to feel really bad about it, was, there was something wrong with me and that I was like, supposed to be, like, romantically connecting with my partner. But not only am I a person who tends to need more of an erotic trance kind of sensation focus, inward way of connecting, but also as a person with ADHD and a really, like, very active brain having running a fantasy in my brain actually keeps me present and keeps me more connected to my partner. This is not checking out. This is just giving your brain something sexy to do to actually keep you engaged. And you do not have to share your fantasies. You can if you want, but you don't have to. There is no obligation. Those are your private thoughts. You can keep them to yourself, just try it out, see if it works for you. It might, and see if you can just allow yourself to not judge yourself, because it's actually a really helpful tool. Another thing that you can do is to engage more senses. So if you were a person who enjoys a lot of sensory input, the more sensory input that you have. Chances are, there's less room in your brain for task lists, so different textures, different temperatures, changing things up, just like a little novelty, right? Music, sense, if you like them, a lot of like, think about a lot of sensory play. Consider getting sensory play toys. There's a whole bunch of them available. You can see what you like, but try to engage more senses. If that's something that feels like you'll know if that feels like that might work for you. Or if that sounds completely overwhelming, then it probably is, and you should try a different tech, all right, another thing would be movement. So for some people, movement really helps their ADHD brain stay present. You do not need to just sort of like Lie still. Of course,

18:19  
if you are in a phase where you were like trying to receive really intensely, you may default to this idea that you need to sort of like lie more still, but you actually don't so like active participation, some sort of rhythmic movement, shifting positions or moving positions somewhat regularly, may just help your body and your brain stay engaged. That's something you can try. Another one is for some ADHD folks, talking during sex keeps your brain focused. So like dirty talk, communication, like even like telling each other sexy stories, reading sexy stories, talking like this feels good, or I love it when you do this right. Simple stuff like that even can keep you more engaged in the process. Another thing you can do is just take a break if you need it. If your brain is too loud and there's just no way you can quiet it down, go ahead and pause. You know, hey, could you give me a second to just come back like I need a pause. I just need to refocus myself. It is much better to pause than to push through when you're disconnected and stuff is starting to not feel right because you're disconnected, okay, especially if you're starting to kind of check out and dissociate. Call for a pause if none of these other embodiment and grounding techniques are really working. And then lastly, don't beat yourself up for any of this. You will check out sometimes. That's just your brain. It's not. Your feelings about your partner. It doesn't mean anything that you don't love them or something. Just practice gently allowing yourself to come back. Please don't spiral in shame, because there's nothing wrong with you. It is totally normal, and there's nothing wrong with ADHD brains either. They're just a different way of being, and they give us a lot of benefits in our society, and there's a lot of great things about them. They do have some drawbacks we have to manage, but that doesn't mean that it's a problem or anything wrong with you. Okay? So lastly, just quick hits here today on a couple topics, three topics, novelty needs so ADHD brains often crave novelty. Gives us an I mean, to be honest, everybody does. A lot of people crave novelty, not not everybody, but a lot of people crave novelty, and it gives humans dopamine. And humans like dopamine, if the sex routine, even if it's really working for you, and you're all having orgasms and everything, but when you get into kind of a routine, especially with a long term partner, it can start getting kind of boring, and the brain can check out. So some, you know, quick solutions or just make some small changes. It doesn't have to be a big change. Just think about a different time of day, a different room, a new position, a new New Order of Operations, right, something like kitchen instead of bedroom or whatever. And if there may be only one room in the house that's safe from the kids, that's okay, you know, put a new blanket on the bed right? Put a new sensation toy in play. Just create some sort of novelty menu where you can have some variables that you can change, and then just change one up every now and then, okay, and let your partner know. I just need variety, because this is how my brain works, and it keeps me engaged. It's not because this like I'm bored with you. It's just that I need things to keep my brain engaged and keep me from checking out another thing, time blindness. So sometimes ADHD brains don't track time very well. You genuinely don't realize it's been three weeks since you've had sex. And you know, you might say something like, Yeah, I'd love to connect later tonight. Let's do it. Let's get it on. And then three hours later, you've been hyper focusing on, you know, some project, and your partner feels forgotten. So the solution to that is sort of standard ADHD advice, which is just to use some hacks for yourself, use external tracking, like alarms, calendar reminders, when you say later, set an alarm right, so that you don't totally just diss your partner by accident, and create some connection rituals with some built in structure, like daily 10 Minute check in weekly date night, you know, a good, long 32nd hug before you leave the house, make sure that you front load the connection first in your life systems before you hyper focus on Your thing. All right. Last one of these quick hits is working memory issues. So this is like, you forget what your partner said that they like

23:31  
they asked you not to do something, and you've done it

23:33  
again, right? And for partners, it can really feel like you don't care. And for the ADHD folks who do this, you do care. I know you care, but your brain just might not hold that information very well, and that is a very common ADHD trait, and it actually is not uncommon in the rest of the population either. So some quick solutions are like keeping notes in your phone, things like, my partner likes firm pressure, doesn't like light touch on stomach, really like write it down and review it before you have sex, right? Also ask permission to ask again. So it's better to ask than do the wrong thing that they've told you not to do 100 times, you know, just to say, hey, remind me, because my my distractible brain has forgotten. Is it firm or light pressure that you like on your stomach? Right? It's okay to ask and just take responsibility for your forgetfulness. All right, so in closing today, so we covered the in the moment, challenges that the ADHD brains can have with some practical things around intimacy, right, sensory landscape, taskless brain and novel. Time, memory stuff. So don't try to address all this stuff at once. If this is resonating with you,

25:07  
pick one area right to start with

25:11  
this week, and really dive in and see how you can really flush that out for yourself and start implementing it in your life. And the next episode in this series is going to talk about the lifestyle factors so medication effects sleep and how ADHD behaviors outside the bedroom can be impacting the libido dynamics in your relationship. And these aren't flaws to fix, right? They're just features to work with. There is nothing wrong with having an ADHD brain. In fact, you can experience incredible pleasure when you understand what it needs. So we're just going to invite you to start with some small thing, like pick one small thing that you think might help. And if you have people in your life that have ADHD, and that's not you and you want to send them this episode, I really strongly encourage it. You could really help somebody and for everyone here listening. Thanks so much for being here, and I'll see you here next week. Hey. So before you go, I have some more free help for you. If you are okay with sharing your email, I will send you my free guide, five steps to start solving desired differences without blame or shame. This is a practical starting point for individuals and couples. You can opt out of my emails at any time, but I think you'll want to stick around. I am not a spammer. Go get it at www.laurajurgens.com/libido, make sure to spell my last name right and the link is in the show notes. You.